I am not quite sure what to call this phase of life that I am in.
Physically, I am 35 but feel 65, if you can know what a particular age feels like. I can't get enough sleep and when I can, my body hurts so I wake up. I don't exercise like I know I should b/c I am always tired when I can. My bouts with back pain continue, my eyes continue to cause issues, which only causes me stress and anxiety.
I am reading the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan. Yet God says in His word to "Rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS. Verse 6 goes on to say these condemning words "do not be anxious about anything."
I am paraphrasing from Chan's book now. When I convey my belief in my head that my stress/anxiety/circumstances are bigger than God's commands to always rejoice and not to be anxious about anything, I essentially say my issues are bigger than God's word and that I have the right to disobey God.
Here is direct from Chan on page 42
WORRY-imples that we don't quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what's happening in our lives. STRESS--says taht the things that we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others, or our tight grip of control."
OUCH!!! Who do I think that I am? Yet I struggle with this and I am in a place where emotionally, spiritually I feel drained and almost empty. I don't know what to do or how to do much, but I am trying to run to my Dad. To the one or two who may actually read this, I am not seeking your professional psychological advice but seeking your prayers.
The thing that this book and journey is teaching me that is that I don't want to give God any leftovers (chapter 5 of Crazy Love) but I am quite guilty of that. My Lord who has forgiven me of the unforgiveable, saved me from the impossible, and lifted me up out of the bottomless pit, deserves my very best.
It seems that I have been guilty of giving my best to my "job" but not to the One who called me to this "job." It is so easy in ministry to get so busy doing ministry that I neglect the most important relationship with my Lord and Savior. I have been so guilty of expecting God to do things my way and then get frustrated when my way was not met, that I not only put God in a box, but I ignored my time with Him.
I have just finished reading Ecclesiastes, which I must warn you not to read in a time of depression or sorrow b/c it is all meaningless anyway, a chasing after the wind, so it will only be gas to a fire. I don't want to mislead you or cause you to think that I have not been in the Word or spent time with God. But my time was been my leftover time. It has been when I could fit Him in, rather than making time for Him. I was looking at it more out of duty rather spending time with the One who has been chasing after me, waiting on me, and loving me in spite of my many failures.
Simply put, this blog has been more for my benefit than anyone else's, so that I could write out a little of what is going on my head. I just know that my Savior deserves my best, and I quite convicted that He has not received that. He deserves more from me, not b/c I should, but b/c I want to.
When you think of it or after reading this, would you lift up a prayer or two for me that God will consume all of me and that He will be in control and I will simply yield and quit trying it my way.
